ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize