My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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