A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
