I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
