My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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