From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
