I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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