I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
