Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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