hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
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