can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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