I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
