I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
