so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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