we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
