We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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