I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
