Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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