$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
