I'm eating all of the evidence.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize