Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i will never coherently bang her
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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