rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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