I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
3pm strippers are depressing
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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