Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
