Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
