He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize