just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
