the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize