My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
