I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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