If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
