I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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