I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I smell stomach acid.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
