he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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