I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
