I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
