I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
