dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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