I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
