Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
