the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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