Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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