Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
