I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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