so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
