that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
