so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
