I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
