R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
