if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize