I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
