I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
