I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
