I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
