I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
