3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I will be naked everywhere
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize