I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
