I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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