I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
