Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
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