all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize