I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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