After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
