My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
