dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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