I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
