Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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