i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I can text with my tongue
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Randomize
